I would argue that January is, in fact, the perfect time to eat a lot more and do a lot less. Like, I’m talking more than you ate at Christmas and less than you did in those few days before New Year’s Eve when your brain function was so low you couldn’t remember the names of members of your own family.
I implore you: don’t take up HIIT training or buy a billion pound juicer, join my revolution.
The relaxation revolution. Where we say no to diets and exercise for the entire month of January, and embrace the warm, cosy cocoon of an evening on the sofa, binge-watching Making a Murderer with a glass of wine and a huge slice of cheesecake, and moaning as much as is humanly possible in the hours that the law of time permits about how shit the weather is and how many days it is until Christmas 2016.
January sucks. Gone are the twinkly lights and promise of mulled wine and upon us are grey mornings and luke-warm cups of tea (that you probably forgot about because you were so distracted by how miserable you are). We’re all back at work, which is tough, let’s face it, and frankly the last thing I want to do when I get home is change into lycra and return to the cold outdoors for a run. No, I want to eat a steaming pile of cheesy pasta and be asleep by 9pm.
Make the most of the thick knits that cover your bulging bellies so tenderly and effectively, dear readers. And another tip for you: big scarves that cover your entire front section (technical term) are fantastically handy when you’re feeling particularly bloated.
Rather than spend money on a gym membership and a nutribullet, I’ve invested in a new pair of Trackie Bs that are SOFTER THAN CLOUDS and intend to constantly restock my cupboards with mini eggs from now until Easter. It’s in my weekly budget people. This shit is real.
You’ve got May to go “oh crap it’s nearly summer, I should probably fake tan so it’s not so obvious how disgustingly fat I’ve become” all month. For now, relax. Those out-of-date mince pies aren’t going to eat themselves.
Viva la revolution!
(DISCLAIMER: I am not a nutritionist, personal trainer or life coach. My opinions are founded only in my own laziness. If you choose to take my advice you do so at your own risk).